I am strong, competent, and capable...which also means I am STUBBORN.
In college, after years of hiding behind a scared, people pleasing, “do-good” persona, I embraced (and over-exerted) my newly-discovered, authentic power by using a new mantra- “I get what I want”. Which is mostly accurate, though I’ve learned to tone it down a bit...
Over the last few years, I have come to realize that I do, in fact, have natural abilities to make things happen for myself. I have a God-given talent of dreaming, analyzing, calculating, and executing plans. I have a way with words and dare I say it... “favor with man”. I am a dreamer, a doer, and as humbly as I can say it, I’m darn good at a lot of random things. Can I just say- it’s amazing!!! That is... until it gets me in massive trouble...because when things don’t go my way, I panic. Things in my heart and head can get pretty messy, and I fall apart.
I’m so NOT used to failing that when I do, I basically do the emotional adult-equivalent to laying down in a grocery store and kicking and screaming. It’s ugly, its embarrassing to let people in on, it’s not fun, and I truly hate that I do this with and to God! However, it’s that same tenacity that God put in me to help me succeed. I’ve learned He loves me in the middle of it & He can handle the mess. He also actually wants to process through those emotions with me!
So, in this season, I’m leaning how to take my driven, stubborn self, and forgive her for failing. I’m learning how to admit I can’t actually do it all myself...but even better, I’m learning how to admit that at my core, I truly don’t even WANT to do it all myself. I’ll always be a fiery, passionate, dreamer and doer... but I’m learning how to do that through grace and without fear of failure- and WOW is that freeing!
I’m learning to live from rest. I’m learning to trust God. I’m learning to LET GO!